the sun's on my side
bring me for a ride
i smile up the sky
i know i'll be alright
♥ ♥ ♥

Sunday, November 28, 2004

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms..

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my
arms.
The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room
flat. My buddies insisted
that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I
carried her into our home. She was then plump
and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago. The following days were as simple as a cup of
pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and
tried to make more money. When the assets were
steadily increasing, the affections between us
seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every
morning we left home
together and got home almost at the same time.
Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy.
But the calm life was more likely to be affected by
unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony.
Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once
again was immersed in her stream of love. This
was the apartment I bought for her.
Dew said, You are the kind of man who best
draws girls. Her words suddenly reminded me of
my wife. When we just married, my wife said, Men
like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.
Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I
knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn' t help
I moved Dew's hands aside and said, You go to
select some furniture,
O.K.? I 've got something to do in the company.
Obviously she was unhappy, because I had
promised her to go and see with her. At the
moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in
my mind although it
used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife
about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to
her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she
was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner.
The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV
together. Or, I was lounging before the computer,
visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my
entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way,
suppose we divorce, what will you do? She
stared at me for a few seconds without a word.
Apparently she believed that divorce was
something too far away from her.
I couldn' t imagine how she would react once she got to
know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just
stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife
with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide
something while talking with her. She seemed to
have got some hint. She gently smiled at my
subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, Divorce her, O.K.?
Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not
hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her
hand. I 've got something to tell you, I said.
She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed
the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn' t know how to
open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I
was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious
topic calmly.She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my
words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm
serious. I avoided her question. This so-called
answer turned her angry. She threw away the
chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a
man!

At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She
was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had
happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give
her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had
gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce
agreement which stated that she could own our
house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt
a pain in my heart. The woman who had been
living ten years with me would
become a stranger one day. But I could not take
back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was
what I had expected to see. To me her cry was
actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce
which had obsessed me for several weeks
seemed to be firmer and clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining
my clients. I saw her
writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast.
When I woke up, I found she was still there. I
turned over and was asleep
again. She brought up her divorce conditions: she
didnt want anything from me, but I was supposed
to give her one month's time
before divorce, and in the month's time we must
live as normal life as possible.
Her reason was simple: our son would
finish his summer vacation a month later and she
didnt want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and
then asked me, Do you still remember how I
entered our bridal room on the wedding day?

This question suddenly brought back all those
wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I
remember . You carried me in your arms, she
continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you
carry me out in your arms on the day when we
divorce. From now to the end of this month, you
must carry me out from the bedroom to the door
every morning.I accepted with a smile. I knew she
missed those sweet days and wished to end her
marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She
laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No
matter what tricks she does, she has to face the
result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words
more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since
my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We
even treated each other as a stranger. So when I
carried her out for the first day, we both appeared
clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is
holding mummy in his arms. His words brought
me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting
room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters
with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and
said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell our
son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the
door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more
easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so
close that I could smell the fragrance of her
blouse. I realized that I hadn' t looked at this
intimate woman carefully for a long time.I found
she was not young any more.I found
fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, The
outside garden is being
demolished. Be careful when you pass there.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to
feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was
holding my sweetheart in my arms. The
visualization of Dew became more vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me
something, such as, where she put the ironed
shirts, I should be careful while
cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.
I didn t tell Dew about this. I felt it was easier to
carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made
me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to
carry you now.

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to
carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not
find a suitable one. Then she sighed, All my
dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly
realized that it was because she was thinner that I
could carry her more easily, not because I was
stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness
in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain.
Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to
carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father
carrying his mother out had been an essential part
of his life. She gestured our son to come closer
and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I
was afraid I would change my mind at the last
minute. I held her in my arms, walking
from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the
hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her
body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding
day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could
hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school.
She said, Actually I hope you will hold me in your
arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn t
notice that our life was lack of such intimacy. I
jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the
door. I was afraid any delay would make me
change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew
opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't
divorce. I'm serious. She looked at me,
astonished. The she touched my forehead. You
got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my
head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to
you, I wont divorce. My marriage life was boring
probably because she and I didnt value the details
of life, not because we didn t love each other any
more. Now I understand that since I carried her
into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am
supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to
say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me
a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst
into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.
When I passed the floral shop on the way, I
ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her
favourite. The salesgirl asked me to write the
greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote,
I 'll carry you out every morning until we are old...